Never come home drunk with a canoe

I love sit coms. I love Friends, I love Frazier, I love Will And Grace, I love Third Rock From The Sun, I love Men Behaving Badly... Very different kind of shows but they are all great, and the list goes on. Maybe this started with watching The Cosby Show as a kid. Sometimes it's just fun and good to watch something silly and where everything will turn out fine in the end.

Soooo.... I was just watching 70's Show and burst out laughing. In the episode Eric destroys his girlfriends wedding dress. First by ripping it, then throwing it over just polished shoes messing it up, then ripping it more, then trying to hide the dress in the fridge and messing it into tomatosauce and then finally while trying to wash it turns it grey.

I laughed so that coke came out of my nose. I so related to that. I can see myself doing just the same. Often I feel like that, that while trying to fix something I mess everything up even more. Often with comical side effects.

The show I feel I'd fit in the most? Men Behaving Badly, definetely. I drink like they do, eat the same things, watch a lot of tv, think about trivial things and do completely dumbass moves when it comes to women.

Sometimes...

I want to say oh, the hell with it, and just let myself go, do whatever I feel like, not care what happens later. Just go with the flow and look behind later, look at all the bridges that are burning. But obviously I won't, I will keep on behaving atleast somewhat correctly, do as a decent person is supposed to do. But sometimes... I just wish I could let go. I want to let go, not care.

Caring hurts.

...kun tapahtuu on helpompi hengittää...

"Kiss me" she said

just when you think I'm going straight on you...

She was my friends girlfriend when we met, ten years ago . A funny sweet pretty girl. I didn't think about her that much at first, she was just a nice girl my friend had hooked up with, nicer than the one before her or the one before that (which was me). One night we were having a little party, just hanging with some friends and drinking, way too much drinking. At some point (her boyfriend had promptly informed her before that I'm into girls too) she turns to me and says she has never kissed a woman, would I kiss her? I laugh and say yeah, sure, not thinking it as anything, her boyfriend says it's okay, go ahead. But I don't want it to be a show for the boys and I take her outside. We kiss and I lose myself. Everything else disappeared from my mind, her lips and taste and her warmth against me were all I sensed. We got back in and I might as well have been walking on air. Sometimes love starts with a kiss.

Some time later, we kiss more and more and more...

When our eyes met...

(whatever comes next is to be blamed on my dreams and Brokeback Mountain)

I remember seeing him, really seeing him for the first time, in a bar, surrounded by friends and strangers. We looked at each other and there it was. Not love at first sight, no, that came later and in a very different form from the usual. I saw in his beautiful eyes something I needed. I saw connection, understanding. I saw something that moved me, something that made me feel desire. I did love him later, but it never was the way I'd love someone I'd want as my partner. There wasn't that between us, that wasn't necessary. What it was about was finding moments to get away, private places, stolen moments when we were supposed to be somewhere else, with other people. I remember his hand on my back, just barely touching, making me feel such aching to feel him completely and all the while talking to someone, pretending it isn't happening.

It has been almost eleven years since that.

I've dreamed of him a few times on last couple of nights. It has made me smile. It has made me want to call him up and say hey, you've been missed.

But maybe I'll just keep it like it is, as a sweet memory of a man who understood me.

Joy of running

I went to play badminton today with a friend. During a waterbreak I was jogging a bit, to keep warm (damn it was chilly in there!). So I was slowly running and feeling good, it felt like my steps came easily and naturally, like when I used to train running (100 meter sprint was my sport a long time ago).

Just when I was about to comment on that to my friend something said "tviiiing" in my knee and sharp pain, like a big fat needle, pierced through my knee.

So the joy of running lasted about twentyfive seconds.

Damn.

Yes, I am sad

I've been sad for a long time.

It would be so much easier if I could feel just one thing at a time. Like tonight. Stephanie asked if a friend of ours is happy. She said, in a heartbeat, hell yeah she is. What I felt? I felt joy for her, for being happy, for having what she has been missing for a long time. I felt envy for not feeling like that. I felt aching to feel that.

What makes it funny I can't remember ever being happy. I just don't think I have it in me. That doesn't mean I'm unhappy all the time. Sometimes I just am, I am content, I have found my sunny garden to rest... That's it. I've been content. For me that's better than happiness, that's something that can last. I've had peace.

It's knowing who am I, knowing myself, seeing all the dark parts, accepting what is there. Being me, completely. Even if it means things that are not pretty to see.

So Amanda, you were right.

Ja Satu, hienot Kädet!

I remember

the first time I drank alcohol. It was vodka with orangejuice. Before that, maybe I had taken a sip from daddy's beer but I don't remember doing so. I remember vodka, the disinfectant smell of it, the bitter taste, the warm cheap orangejuice it was mixed with. I remember it tasting bad. I remember the feeling of getting drunk. I remember it calling to me in some level I never knew I had in me. I remember drinking for a long time after that first drink, considering I was barely a teenager. I remember wanting to drink, needing to drink.

Then I remember stopping.

And starting again at seventeen.

I have a problematic relationship with alcohol. It has brought me a lot of grief, it has done damage to my liver (luckily, at young enough and it recovered, not to it's best but good enough not to matter), it has cost me a lot of money... And yet... There's the calling, the burning.

I got strong enough to resist it.

A promotion? No, thank you.

I was offered a "better" job (more responsibility, different department, more money) at my work on friday. I promised to think it through and let them know today. So today I went to the big boss and said thanks but no thanks. They must think I'm really strange. This was the third time I was offered a promotion and every time I've declined.

Why? When this job would have meant I could aply for a loan and buy my own apartment. But it would have made me miserable. I am not interested in our sales department, I'm not interested in keeping Nokia happy with endless statistics... So am I interested in accounting? Not really. But it's not something I strongly dislike.

I will not make decisions I know will make me unhappy. Or more unable to be atleast even content. Even if it means I have to still move other plans in life further away.

But it has been a good day.

Similar Features

but with longer hair...

But enough of that and moving on to more important things. Like friendship.

I saw an old friend of mine yesterday at the bar. We haven't really seen for a while, which is a shame. She is the kind of a friend who has always been there for me, in good and in bad. She knows me. She knows what to say. She gives me freedom to be myself, to laugh, to cry, to be stupid and emotional or to rationalize everything. She has given me pills to make me get through the day when I thought there was no way to do so, she has opened my eyes to new worlds. I've missed her like she has missed me.

The bit that made me all emotional yesterday was understanding she is not the only that kind of a friend I have. I have many friends like that, and many of them had been hanging out at my house for the evening. They may all not be able to give me drugs but hey, nobody's perfect all the time ;)

More about dancing...

sometimes I get stuck with ideas I have... I was at a bar tonight and one of my favourite songs came on, the queen herself, Madonna.

"Music can be such a revelation
Dancing around you feel the sweet sensation
We might be lovers if the rhythm's right
I hope this feeling never ends tonight

Only when I'm dancing can I feel this free
At night I lock the doors,
where no one else can see
I'm tired of dancing here all by myself
Tonight I wanna dance with someone else"

But tonight, again, I had no one to dance with, really. For a while, yes. And then came the moment of understanding that, atleast for tonight, I am the wrong kind. No biggie. But for a while it breaks my heart, makes me wonder what is so wrong about me. Why I'm the one who holds a woman's hand when she is crying, tells her it is going to be allright, makes her believe in herself again and then ends up with a thank you and goodbye.

After all is said and done I am still left behind. I will not accept this. I will move on. There is something waiting for me.

Why I love to dance

I didn't before, I started dancing when I was around twenty. Which is kind of strange considering how physical person I am and used to be, I loved to run, to move. And then after stopping all that else I found dancing.

It's feeling connected to my body in a way I never feel otherwise, not even what comes to sex. It's being completely IN my body, feeling every part of it. It's moving without thinking. And when I find someone who can move with me, it's something words can't begin to describe. It is amazing to have someone who can be an inch away from you, not touching you, just following, or maybe I'm the one following, no matter, just being together in one smooth continuous movement.

That's why I love to dance. And always looking for someone to dance with me.

Feeling old

which I shoudn't because I'm not, I'm not even thirty (and next year is far away when I will be) and even then I am not old. Today I felt old. I was discussing a book (Arabian Lauri) with some people and one of them said she couldn't relate to the book because it was describing the eighties, that it was too different kind of world. Umm... I was a child/pre-teen during the eighties (she was a toddler) so I do remember things and I don't think it's that far away. I still remember Matti Nykänen as an athlete, for chrissakes.

Although, in a different discussion (Steph, you remember this) I said movies from the eighties are old. In a way they are, especially what comes to movies. It's 20-25 years, about third of average lifespan around here. So it's a long time but not that different world. Lot's of things have changed but not that much...

I'm old and tired and I'm going to bed to rest my tired old bones now ;)

(the radio is on and Roxette is playing Listen to your heart and I will not even think when that song first came out because I'm starting to suspect it's really been a long time and not the "a while back" I have in my mind which covers about last of the 15 years...)

12 things I have learned from music

1. Michael Jackson has trouble breathing.

2. Some bands, like people, are just not meant to be together. (U2 and REM doing "One" live together remind me of some horrendous blind dates I've been, all the pieces are there but still it is awful.)

3. Sometimes la la laa is enough.

4. A song played with a tambourine sounds dumb.

5. Dyin' ain't much of a living. Duh.

6. Sooner or later everything is over. But occasionally, it is necessary to keep going on for one night more.

7. Be proud like a god.

8. Remember that gods can fall down and can be forgotten too.

9. White "bikingshorts" should be burned, along with the people using them.

10. Weakness.

11. Coming back as a butterfly.

12. My my, hey hey, rock and roll can never die.

Some things are better left unsaid

In that situaton there is always the option of quoting someone, preferably butchering their words horribly by terrible translation... (okay I had a few drinks tonight, sorry mr Kotro)

"you missed the moment
when I just
stopped
missing things

and then you find out
when you think there's nothing to lose
losing just begins

and when there's only one choice
there's
really
no choice at all"

A friend of mine said tonight the sweetest things about her girlfriend. I listened to her and just wondered how it must be great to feel that. It reminded me of feeling the same way. It was a good feeling. It somehow made me believe that I will feel like that again.

(Ulla huomaatko, mä yritän olla märisemättä, ainakaan paljon...)

Now I'll just put the music on and remember dancing with the girl who caught my eye, for the first time in a long while. The sun is coming out. I am walking on.

Pikainen kommentti

Tämä on sulle Satu, mä tein mitä sanoit että mun kannattaisi... Ainakin otin ensimmäisen askeleen siihen suuntaan. Sanoinhan et mun tarvii vaan päästä itseni yli ja se vaatii vähän aikaa. Itsepäinen mikä itsepäinen.

Ja te muut, kerron sitten joskus myöhemmin mistä tässä on kyse.

Identity issues

People my face resembles the most are:

My feminine side:
Michelle Pfeiffer
Katherine Hepburn
Jodie Foster

My masculine side:
Fred Astaire
Eddie Murphy

And these from the same picture. Michelle and I had a 65% match, Fred and I 53% and the rest between 40-50%.

Eddie was a bit surprising but hey, maybe something in the eyes... Or teeth.

This is so hilarious, somehow I don't see myself as the Michelle type... But sure would love to dance like Fred, too bad the looks doesn't mean the talent also ;)

Go check out www.myheritage.com (thanks Stephanie for the tip!)

Last hours of the first day of the year

and I should be sleeping, tired from last nights party. Soon I'll go, I'm suspecting no troubles falling asleep tonight.

Some people asked me yesterday what's my new years promise, what I wish to change. Really didn't know what to say.

But I was reading Tammy's blog (www.hollywoodfarmgirl.blogspot.com) and from that something occurred to me, here it is:

I hope to be able to say
yes, now

I hope to be able to know when I have to say
no, later

I hope to be strong enough to say
no, something better.