Last friday

I’ve been under a lot of stress lately. Some things just weren’t how they were supposed to be and finding this out caused whole lot of other things to happen. Ignorance would have been bliss. It also would have meant a lot more other trouble later.

But this has meant that I’ve been really tired and busy these past few weeks. I should have slept more but I couldn’t because I couldn’t stop thinking. My hands have been itching like crazy, skin has started to flake away. It’s like ants crawling under my skin, I want to tear it open and let it all bleed out. Not that that would help.

Friday I was on my way to work, feeling completely exhausted. Also a bit relieved, we got some stuff sorted out Thursday and I felt like some of this all was out of my hands, that there was nothing more I could to, a little less to worry. I was listening to my ipod, humming along to Dixie Chicks, and suddenly I had to stop walking, lean into my knees and just let go. Tears were running down my cheeks, I was breathless, exhausted. This complete giving up just lasted for ten, fifteen seconds. But I felt better afterwards. I felt that I would be okay. All this would pass.

12.10.2002

I wanted to say to a woman I was having an affair with that I loved her so much it hurt. The hurt was mostly the fact that I knew that the affair had no future, that it was doomed from the start. It was never meant to be an affair in the first place, just something that would happen once or twice but then it turned into months.

I wanted to fuck an ex of mine because he always felt so good and never made me hurt afterwards. But I didn’t call him. Later, I wished I had.

I wanted to find clothes that would protect me and make me feel strong as I would have to comfort my friend. I would have to be strong enough to take care of her while we watched her friends coffin at the altar. I would have to be strong enough not to give in to my grief over her completely. I wanted to feel secure and safe because I knew that we weren’t and never would be again, that this was the last straw. What I didn’t know was that the horrible thing that happened the night before, which just felt like something surreal and impossible, had taken away one more friend.

I wanted everything to be okay.

Dalai

He came to the world to amaze us two nights ago. It was a monday spent pacing around the office, achieving nothing at work, missing smoking so bad. I can't imagine what it was like for the mother, the one giving birth or the one waiting for her son to be born.

I met him yesterday for the first time. I wish I could explain the thoughts and feelings I had, and what went on during the hour and a half I had the pleasure of his company.

Joy.
Fear.
Jealousy.
A lump in my throat.
Shaky hands.
Sweat streaming down my back.
Softness.
Fragile hope.

But above all this,
Love.