Snowflakes

Just Jack says it something like "you've played all the games and you're no longer amused". I think I should find something new to play around with. And I don't mean people. Well, atleast not for the most part.

I should get some things out of my head, including some people, things long gone, things that should be meaningless by now. Sometimes I feel I cling to things just because I have nothing to replace them with. I don't have anything to move on to. I've started to miss the weirdest people, and what's strange about that is I miss people physically, but not sexually. I don't miss knowing them, talking to them, I miss holding hands, sleeping, just sleeping together. And I wonder was there someone I could sleep with, was there a moment when I lost that and after that just kept on looking? Trying to find the peace in someone so I could find peace in me? That's dumb. It has to be in me, I have to find it in me. I wish I could remember better.

I don't know what has gotten into me, why I'm feeling so sad so often. I'm really close turning into a compelete mush-fest, I want to go around and tell my friends I love them, no matter what. Almost like preparing them for something awful, like I'm about to get a rifle and climb into a tower and start shooting. (I'll start with the people who shouldn't use public transport and that includes all girls in their teens.) Because I also get irritated very easily. So maybe I should hold back with the declarations of love, or they might turn into I love you but shut the fuck up...

That goes for me too.

Feeling chatty today, apparently...

Inspired by my friend Stephanie's blog (I'll put the link here as soon as I can figure out how or get Stephanie to do it for me) and her results in one particular questionnaire here's results from my "which gender are you: male, female, androgyn or neutral"

SINÄ OLET ANDROGYYNI
(not surprising)


Sinussa on melko paljon sekä feminiinistä naista että maskuliinista miestä. Olet sukupuolisesti hyvin harmoninen. Mieheytesi ja naiseutesi ovat tasapainossa keskenään, eikä kumpikaan puolesi hallitse persoonaasi toisen kustannuksella.
(I have both feminine and masculine qualities.)

Olet sukupuolishoppailija!
(I'm a gendershopper!)

Tiedostat sukupuolijärjestelmän olemassaolon, sukupuoliroolit ja odotukset kriittisestikin. Et juurikaan välitä näihin odotuksiin vastaamisesta, vaan käyttäydyt melko sukupuolivapaasti. .
(I recognise the gender roles in society and the demands and expectations for men and women but I really don't care a fuck and act quite freely from them.)

Olet sukupuolen suhteen melko itsevarma. Sinusta on luontevaa toteuttaa itseäsi sekä miehisten että naisellisten puoliesi kautta. Tulet hyvin toimeen miesten, naisten ja sukupuolineutraalienkin kanssa, koska et itsekään ole niin kaukana näistä muista sukupuoliryhmistä.
(I get along with men and women and all in between because I fit in in them all.)

Cool. I can see myself in that.

Also, I am:
You are Lisa Simpson.

That I can't see but it would be great to know how to play the sax!

My results for "how weird are you":
For 80 % you are: You're Not Weird At All! Take this as a compliment... and run for your life, it takes a lot to get this outcome... imagine how many people around you right now DIDN'T get this answer.

You could also get this result:For 10 % you are: Pretty Messed Up! My god... I can't even look at you...knowing what you put as answers *shudders*

Or even this one:For 10 % you are: Weirder Than Weird! Wow, you are mildly creepy and totally insane! Good for you! But lay off the RedBull.

Weeeel... I got a tiny severed doll's head in a bucket of blood for a birthdaygift and was thrilled... So mildly creepy, yes.

And back to the theme I was on when I started this post, what should my name really be? (I took the boys test, feeling masculine today)

For 60 % you are: Your name is: Josh. You are cool and quite the lady's man. ooh-la-la. You are cute and everyone worships the ground to you. You are most loved, especially by the ladies.

You could also get this result:For 30 % you are: Your name is: Nobert. How can I put this nicely...YOU ARE A GEEK! You love computers. And talk weird and you think using big words is cool Get a life man!

Or even this one:For 10 % you are: Your name is: Alex. You are high energy and need medication badly! You like... mean LOVE monkeys! You are okay... when you've taking your pills. So you need to get a grip dude!

So good night , says Josh Norbert Alex.

What I did on 2002

12.1. we went to Messilä with Jt, Tiki, and her girlfriend at the time, Anne. Stayed at my parents, and the girls made a great impression on them. Especially Tiki carrying wine and greeting my dad (fresh out of rehab).

15.1. obviously I had atleast some amount of hair because I had an appointment at a barbershop
8.2. saw Maija Vilkkumaa at Nosturi with my brother and Jt (Maija on pooornoo!)

11.2. went to the movies with Tii to see godknowswhat

15.2. saw Kuutamolla

23.2 my grandfather had died a year earlier and we held a wake for him with my brother, drank whiskey and vodka and smoke cigars and forced everyone else to do so too.

26.2. went to see my first men's icehockey game with Tii, Hifk-Jokerit.

1.3. saw Pauli Hanhiniemen Perunateatteri at Tavastia. Probably sang my voice away when they played Vieraslista.

23.4. absolutely no memory why I had to go to Espoo courthouse.

26.4. I went to a cruise but no memory of that either but probably for very different reasons.

30.4. saw Zen Cafe at Tavastia

7.5. movies with Tii, but what movie?

1.6. saw 69 Eyes at Nosturi.

11.6 Straight No More at Nalle!

16.6. Paula Koivuniemi cruise! That was fun! Dykes supporting Paula with a big rainbowflag and trying to drink the ship out of Smirnoff Ice. Those were the days...

24.6.-30.6 Pride!

4.7. Sir Elwoodin Hiljaiset Värit at Kaivohuone... Hmmm... Some memories from this one I will just keep to myself and the parties involved...

11.7.-17.7. Prague with Mira. What should I tell about this trip and Mira's excellent sense of direction? Really, she is good at reading a map but sometimes she just forgot to think at the same time... Going straight ahead will not get you to the place you started even if the buildings look the same, a bit... (sorry hon, if you're reading this, just had to tell) But there's more to tell about lost chances, we really should have gone to a secluded dark park with ten drunken soldiers like they asked us to. Probably missed the party of a lifetime.

27.7. saw Amorphis. At the time they had the most fuckable leadsinger... hey, what can I say? I have a soft spot for musicians. And to be even more groce and graphic, sometimes even a wet spot for them..

9.8. saw really disturbing movie, Audition.

16.8. Päivi and Suvi got married. Päivi still owes me a dance we didn't get to dance then.

17.8. saw Nightwish. I wonder how I was able to go there after the previous nights festivities?

21.8. saw Monster's Ball. Halle Berry totally earned the Oscar, if not for anything else then for the spectacular drunk scene.

28.9. saw Don Huonot at Tavastia. I can't even count how many times I saw that band. Always made me forget everything while they played.

12.10 it doesn't say so but I know this was the day when I was there with Jt to say goodbye to Hanna-Leena, not knowing yet that the previous night a bomb exploding at Myyrmanni had killed an old friend of mine. A sad, sad day.

19.10. at Heinola to see Zen Cafe with Mira

30.10. saw Sir Elwoodin Hiljaiset Värit at Savoy theatre.

1.11. Red Dragon. The symbol of his evil...

2.11. Zen Cafe at Tavastia. Todella Kaunis koskettaa jokainen kerta.

8.11. I got my first tattoo at Blue Dragon at five pm. And afterwards went to see Velcra play. I think this was the time I got hit to the face and had a mild concussion, I sent a message to Jt that I have blood in my mouth who was waiting for me at Dtm, I never showed up and well, I can understand why she was a bit worried... She's thinking all sorts of horrid things what has happened to me and at the same time I'm safely sleeping my headache away at Mira's couch.

6.12. A dinner at Colorado and afterwards to see Sir Elwoodin Hiljaiset Värit at Tavastia.

14.12. Birthdayparty.


I was cleaning up some old stuff and found my calendar, it was fun going through it... Some very good memories and some really bad. And some things I think I should remember but don't.

I'll end with a quote: "morning comes every time..."

Oh come on...

I stumbled into this somewhere, sorry for forgetting where... It's old news but anyways...

PINKETT SMITH UPSETS HOMOSEXUALS

Actress JADE PINKETT SMITH upset homosexual students during a recent speech at America's prestigious Harvard University, with her heterosexual take on gender roles.
The COLLATERAL beauty, 33, was honoured as the Artist Of The Year by the HARVARD FOUNDATION FOR INTERCULTURAL AND RACE RELATIONS in Cambridge, Massachusetts last Saturday (26FEB05).
During Pinkett Smith's acceptance speech, she said, "Women, you can have it all - a loving man, devoted husband, loving children, a fabulous career. They say you gotta choose. Nah, nah, nah. We are a new generation of women. We got to set a new standard of rules around here. You can do whatever it is you want. All you have to do is want it."
However, the Ivy League university's gay community were unimpressed with Pinkett Smith's viewpoint.
JORDAN WOODS, a co-chair of the college's BISEXUAL, GAY, LESBIAN, TRANSGENDER AND SUPPORTERS ALLIANCE (BGLTSA), fumes, "Some of the content was extremely heteronormative (to imply male/female sexual relations are normal), and made BGLTSA members feel uncomfortable."
YANNIS PAULUS of the foundation's student advisory committee responds, "She wasn't trying to be offensive."

I'm queer myself, I wear my Fuck Your Gender t-shirt with pride, I do volunteerwork for the glbt-community around here but hell... I think it's just dumb to expect that everyone should at every occasion mention that "whether you are a woman or a man or you are in a relationship with a woman or a man or..." or talk without using gender spesified words or expressions. I'm assuming Pinkett Smith is, besides hot as hell, straight, and it's natural for her to talk about having a husband. That still doesn't mean she'd be against gay people. I don't know about her thoughts on the matter so correct me if I'm wrong.

And I'd like to add that yes, male/female relations are normal. So are male/male, female/female relations.

I also had a kick about the part "a loving man, a devoted husband". Jada's saying you can have both! Is Jada polyamorous then? Wasn't that insulting to monoamorous people?

I've said in numerous occasions that I have the skin of a mimosa but only on the outside, jeez, those guys at BGLTSA are supersensitive!

Dreaming

I've been having trouble sleeping for the past ten years, or over, actually. Sometimes I can't fall asleep, sometimes I'm not able to stay asleep, waking every hour, sometimes I wake up three hours before I really should. Sometimes it's one of these or a combination of all three. I also tend to fall asleep when I'm not really supposed to, like when I'm on a tram or a bus.

My point is..? Well, I'm in a constant state of sleep deprivation, I sleep either all the time or none of the time, I fall very quickly into rem phase of sleeping which is also a bit abnormal. This means I dream a lot. Sometimes I feel I have more life in dreams than I do in real life. Sometimes I confuse stuff. Mostly I think I've dreamed parts of my real life. Remember those "was I really there-moments"?

I want to wake up. I want to be here when I'm here.

yeah, I know, I'm a freak

"Think of all the things
we've shared and seen
don't think about things
which might have been..."

I always read who's dead and who got married and what kind of a punishment of a name parents have given to their kids from the paper. Sundays are the best, lot's of material. What have I learned from them are the following things: people put the weirdest bits of poetry to obituaries but many of my now favourite poems are from there so it's a good thing. People obviously have only about three things they want to say in their wedding announcements, including that everyone thinks theirs is the greatest love of all. Yeah, right. And what kind of names are given to kids, well, I'm not going to get into that... But sometimes I just have to wonder...

I had a birthdayparty yesterday (or we had with my three friends who are born around the same time, a good excuse to throw a party for forty people) and I'm still kinda out because of it. I had enough to drink, to put it mildly, danced, talked with friends and generally had a great time. And I REALLY HAVE the best friends in the whole world, I'm lucky to have met people who understand and accept my strange fantasies, like wanting to have a victorian dollhouse modelled into sm/horror/dungeon style... And that's what I now have, among other beautiful things.

It was good to see some people I see rarely, people who have been in my life for a long time and never vanished, never going away even though life may have taken us into different directions. It made me remember times long gone, times that might not have been the greatest for any of us but still we got through them. In many ways I really can't say "good old times" but that they were in the sense that I found people I wish to call friends for a long while, people who's kids I hope to be around to see grow up, people who I'll see marry the loves of their lives and who will take a drink with me, not for old times sake but because of that we are here now, still we are here together.

So not to get all wishywashy and mushy sentimental I also have to say I have the coolest black eye at the moment. I got a new piercing, a second one in my eyebrow (thanks Jt!) and I got "a bit" of a bruising there. Looks a bit like eyeshadow that went horribly wrong... But hey, no pain no gain and all that.

I'll end this by lifting my imaginery hat and saying thank you to my friends, you mean the world to me and that is a beautiful world indeed.

Oh man...

let's just all sing happy birthday happy birthday to me... I wasn't supposed to live this long, with my heart with my depression, with so many different reasons but here I am still alive and still wanting to be alive.

I guess I got it going like it's supposed to.

Marilyn Monroe school of medicine

where enough of any drug will cure any disease.

Got your attention there didn't I?

It's from a book "Invisible Monsters" by the guy who also brought us Fight Club. Marvellous chap, I'd say. Fucked up, seriously, but who isn't?

So I went to Tallinn, mostly I wandered around places I've never been before (found out that there's a street which doesn't exist except in one map, too bad that was the map I had), ate ate and ate some more and had a few beers at the local gay bars. Just one or two or maybe a bit more. It was interesting not to speak to anyone for three days, besides ordering something and saying thank you and please. The longest conversation I had was when I checked in to the hotel. Not speaking helps hearing your own thoughts.

Unfortunately they are not always pleasant.

"When you understand that what you're telling is just a story. It isn't happening anymore. When you realize the story you're telling is just words, when you can crumble it up and throw your past in the thrashcan, then we'll figure out who you're going to be."

We are what has happened to us, what we have done, what we have chosen, what fate/destiny/coincidence threw at us. But why do we make that so important? It's just a story. We can re-invent ourselves. We can choose to be someone else.

Hmm... I'll get back to you on this later. Have to think this a bit more. I see possibilities here.

I'm with the band

my friend Jt rocks!

Weird night tonight, I saw a colleague of mine at a lesbianparty which I didn't expect, I got to see Jt play the drums which was awesome and I heard that I'm a "father" which was big news to me. Too bad the rumuor didn't say who I got knocked up... ;) But if people gossip about me it's cool that it's something so outrageously not true.

Off to Tallinn in about six hours, my little time away from the world.