I hate

to live in a world where calling someone gay is an insult.

Little wings

It starts with a slight tingling in my fingertips. Then it starts to burn up my arms, reaching my elbows. It turns into a wave of nausea, all through my head and chest. After that it feels like a butterfly fluttering, rapidly first and then slowing down, easily, softly...

What's left is being scared.

Stand still, stand still

It is weird how when everything is calm and quiet I start to feel like I have to mess up, fuck up my life. When I start planning on buying an appartment I start feeling like running away, leaving leaving leaving. Where to? Nowhere really, I have no desire to live anywhere else. I'm happy here, or as happy as I can be.

Tonight this feeling mostly comes from spending the whole weekend with couples, happy couples, happy families. Sometimes it's tiresome. And the sentence "I can't understand why you are still single" does not help, really. It's the words that are left unsaid, the "are you just so goddamn picky, are you afraid, is there something wrong with you". Yes, yes and yes.

Feeling a bit whiny tonight, apparently.


"Keep one eye on the road
The other one fixed on the one you hold

The windshield is bombarded by rain
I can only see black and yellow in my brain
As the colors of containers in a dark distance
Flare up in my face like sparks in my pistons
Fuel gage almost pointing at empty
Evidently the high speed has taken a toll
Break and roll very gently down to the waterfront
Maybe ten feet away
My 500 stallions have sent me to stay for a purpose
To observe just a five minute silence
A break from the circus of everyday humdrum
And the effect is like a shock from a stun gun
Some run far, some run fast to return soon
The thought of going everpresent as it burns true
A part of me is always close to the harbor
Sailing with the ghost of my grandfather

Keys in the ignition, headlights rising
Playing with the rain, but the rhythm is random
I sit in abandon with a hand on the wheel
But I'm still unable to leave
Dazed by the slow moving mass of the cranes
Sedated by the memories I only remember to forget
Like a radio signal in a flash
And at last I am cleansed out
If you could see what I see, if you could be in my sleep
If you found me, I'd be lost
No cost is greater than to let go with a past like yours
It doesn't make sense how nothing makes sense now
Stand still, stand still
But the more I command it, the more I know
Leaving is nothing but an act of will
And I feel my diverging path
Has taken me as far as I have to go
Fathers become sons, tables turned
I know that I have been unaware, unconcerned
Now haunted by the thought, I grab the keys
Step outside and see purple
On the road, out on the seas
We'll be reunited within the red circle

Leave a light on, I'll arrive on time this time and try to stay
Leave a light on if the night's too dark, the spark has gone away
Far or near, tomorrow's here
Follow me, and I know the road is clear
What you need now is not me
How could I breathe out all this fear?"

(Road: Don Johnson Big Band)

And I looked into those eyes

and saw things that could have been . I looked at her wicked little smile and saw what she would look like first thing in the morning. I looked at her strong hands and saw how they would touch mine. And then I remembered why not.

I turned away and looked into someone else's eyes and saw they still could be looking only at me, seeing no one but me. And I did not want that anymore.