Do not give weapons to generals or other children...

Just had to post the highlights here from the link Satu kindly posted as a comment on my previous post. I've heard this before but it cracks me up every time...

"The US military investigated building a "gay bomb", which would make enemy soldiers "sexually irresistible" to each other, government papers say. Other weapons that never saw the light of day include one to make soldiers obvious by their bad breath.

The US defence department considered various non-lethal chemicals meant to disrupt enemy discipline and morale. The 1994 plans were for a six-year project costing $7.5m, but they were never pursued.

The US Air Force Wright Laboratory in Dayton, Ohio, sought Pentagon funding for research into what it called "harassing, annoying and 'bad guy'-identifying chemicals".

The plan for a so-called "love bomb" envisaged an aphrodisiac chemical that would provoke widespread homosexual behaviour among troops, causing what the military called a "distasteful but completely non-lethal" blow to morale. Scientists also reportedly considered a "sting me/attack me" chemical weapon to attract swarms of enraged wasps or angry rats towards enemy troops. A substance to make the skin unbearably sensitive to sunlight was also pondered.
Another idea was to develop a chemical causing "severe and lasting halitosis", so that enemy forces would be obvious even when they tried to blend in with civilians. In a variation on that idea, researchers pondered a "Who? Me?" bomb, which would simulate flatulence in enemy ranks. Indeed, a "Who? Me?" device had been under consideration since 1945, the government papers say. However, researchers concluded that the premise for such a device was fatally flawed because "people in many areas of the world do not find faecal odour offensive, since they smell it on a regular basis". "

five minutes of being a good human

Gotta love the net. In five minutes, about, I signed three online petitions (torture here, torture there, torture everywhere), forwarded them to a bunch of friends and e-mailed some straight friends (gotta love categorizing also) about some stuff they should look into, because stupid white middle-aged men are trying to walk over them too. But I will not start my rant about babies and dykes and familyvalues and single moms here now... I'm sure you all know what I would say.


"I laugh, I feel
I make believe it's real
I fall, I freeze
I pray down on my knees
I hope, I stand
I take it like a man
I try as hard as I can "

Kasey Chambers

"sometimes it grows back"

the nurse said and that's all I have to say about it.

But it's strange how some things stay the same, no matter how much you change. Like the name of the next of kin to notify if something bad happens. There are certain names and numbers that stick in your head, no matter are they close to you anymore or not.

I was walking home from a bar tonight, a warm summernight, it was not dark and it was not bright, something strange in between. Suddenly I remembered something I haven't thought for a while, one of the best moments in my life. I remember this one time, I was with my friend in a bar and afterwards we decided we didn't want to go to sleep just yet, so we got a pizza and a bottle of scotch from her place and walked down by the sea. We sat and ate and drank and talked and all around us it was summer, it was warm and light and everything was peaceful. Maybe it's just because we were drunk... Maybe it was being happy, right then and there. Being with someone important, enjoying yourself, enjoying the freedom to just be.

Not one original thought today

...who's gonna help you when you've had enough, one goodbye was really all it took, now you thumb through the pages of your little black book, somehow all the numbers look the same, ain't nothing you can rise above...

I think of moments when all is good. I think of sunshine and friends and music, I think of all that flowing through me, in me. Like today.

I think of liking stupid bad songs, I think of forgetting. I think of finding comfort in cheesy phrases in silly songs. I think of feeling the beat of the drums instead of my heart.

...don't forget to catch me.

Be still, my beating heart...

I have that butterfly feeling, I have pills for that. I don't know if they help but they make me feel a bit more secure. They make me feel there's something I can do.

It is the weirdest feeling, so unreal. It's terrifying. It makes me do two things at the same time, to feel very focused on my body and to drift away from it. (It's the lack of oxygene in my brains, ha ha.) I can feel everything very clearly, the pressure and the tingling and the strain. And I can kind of be outside of it all, it's just my body, not my spirit, not my mind... But it strains me, makes me weak, makes me fear. This I don't want to fear. Not again. Not anymore.

...kun hengität, hengitä syvään...