Thursday, December 06, 2007

Bye bye puppy

In my mind he is forever coming to our backyard for the first time.

In my mind he is forever looking out the window, curious.

In my mind he is forever coming to greet me when I come home.

He is forever gone.

Wednesday 5th of december, 10 a.m.

Friday, November 09, 2007

Changes

I like going home after work when my gf is taking a nap. It’s quiet and dark and I go next to her, she is warm and still half asleep (usually she wakes up when I open the frontdoor, every time too loudly). I give her a kiss and crawl next to her. We talk about idle things and she yawns like a cat, with her hair all messed up. It is nice. It relaxes me, makes me feel at home, content, happy.

I liked walking home in the early hours of the morning, in the cold, when it still was dark, after a few hours spent with someone I barely knew. I liked coming home, brushing my teeth, taking a shower and then falling to my own bed, kinda laughing. I liked the freedom of it, the giddy feeling of knowing you’ve just behaved like a proper slut. I liked smelling these strangers on me.

I love what I have now. I loved what I had before. I’m glad I had what I had and did what I did so now I can be happy with what I have now. I wouldn’t change either of these into anything else.

Ps. we REALLY need to talk about Kevin.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Last friday

I’ve been under a lot of stress lately. Some things just weren’t how they were supposed to be and finding this out caused whole lot of other things to happen. Ignorance would have been bliss. It also would have meant a lot more other trouble later.

But this has meant that I’ve been really tired and busy these past few weeks. I should have slept more but I couldn’t because I couldn’t stop thinking. My hands have been itching like crazy, skin has started to flake away. It’s like ants crawling under my skin, I want to tear it open and let it all bleed out. Not that that would help.

Friday I was on my way to work, feeling completely exhausted. Also a bit relieved, we got some stuff sorted out Thursday and I felt like some of this all was out of my hands, that there was nothing more I could to, a little less to worry. I was listening to my ipod, humming along to Dixie Chicks, and suddenly I had to stop walking, lean into my knees and just let go. Tears were running down my cheeks, I was breathless, exhausted. This complete giving up just lasted for ten, fifteen seconds. But I felt better afterwards. I felt that I would be okay. All this would pass.

Friday, October 12, 2007

12.10.2002

I wanted to say to a woman I was having an affair with that I loved her so much it hurt. The hurt was mostly the fact that I knew that the affair had no future, that it was doomed from the start. It was never meant to be an affair in the first place, just something that would happen once or twice but then it turned into months.

I wanted to fuck an ex of mine because he always felt so good and never made me hurt afterwards. But I didn’t call him. Later, I wished I had.

I wanted to find clothes that would protect me and make me feel strong as I would have to comfort my friend. I would have to be strong enough to take care of her while we watched her friends coffin at the altar. I would have to be strong enough not to give in to my grief over her completely. I wanted to feel secure and safe because I knew that we weren’t and never would be again, that this was the last straw. What I didn’t know was that the horrible thing that happened the night before, which just felt like something surreal and impossible, had taken away one more friend.

I wanted everything to be okay.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Dalai

He came to the world to amaze us two nights ago. It was a monday spent pacing around the office, achieving nothing at work, missing smoking so bad. I can't imagine what it was like for the mother, the one giving birth or the one waiting for her son to be born.

I met him yesterday for the first time. I wish I could explain the thoughts and feelings I had, and what went on during the hour and a half I had the pleasure of his company.

Joy.
Fear.
Jealousy.
A lump in my throat.
Shaky hands.
Sweat streaming down my back.
Softness.
Fragile hope.

But above all this,
Love.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Sanonpa vaan

Kukkamekko, polkkatukka, ylipainoa 20 kiloa ja todella paha akne.

Jos maailma olisi reilu se toimisi niin.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Memories

The soft-hearted, broken Delirium, asks Morpheus at one point: “What’s the word for things not being the same always. You know. I’m sure there is one. Isn’t there?” Dream names the word for her. “Change,” he says. She also asks him: “What’s the name for the precise moment when you’ve actually forgotten how it felt to make love to somebody you really liked a long time ago?” Dream replies: “There isn’t one.” Says Delirium: “Oh. I thought maybe there was.” Delirium’s right, of course: there is one, and I think that in his heart, Dream knew it – but he wasn’t yet ready to speak it. That word is: “Mercy,” and it stands for an attribute that does not always fare well in the hard realities of waking life. It is only readily available, in fact, in that odd realm known as dreaming, and even there its blessings are epheremal.

Mikal Gilmore

Going through my old stuff (junk of years long gone) has reminded me of people I’ve forgotten, some of them quite a long time ago. That quote from the introduction to Neil Gaiman’s awesome book The Wake, touched me deeply. It is a mercy to forget those things. And, in some cases, it is painful to notice you’ve forgotten. That something that was once the most beautiful thing in the world can’t be recalled anymore. It doesn’t even matter how good everything is for you now, how much better or more or how happy you are with what you have. Moments that made you who you are have vanished from your memory. First real kiss with anyone, your last kiss with the beautiful boi, and all that came in between…

In dreams, sometimes, I remember, just to forget as I wake up. Mercy is a blessed thing.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

urgh

It is a really nasty feeling having strangers in your home. We are moving in together with my gf and obviously so my old flat is going to turn into someone else's home. That means I'm having a sort of open house going on for the next hour. Complete strangers come into my home and look at it and ask questions and generally are just, you know, in my space.

My friends now that I don't mind having guests over, even when I haven't cleaned (because then I'd never have anyone over). But that is so different. Now my home looks messy because all the boxes and other stuff that's just in where there happens to be place for it to be put down until I pack it away. I know these people come see the flat but still. It's my flat. With my crumbling walls. And cracked ceiling. And the dumb kitchen. Mine mine mine and don't you dare to judge it.

Half an hour to go...

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Lovely bones, Alice Sebold

"When was it all right to let go not only the dead but of the living - to learn to accept?"

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

strange feelings

sometimes I feel completely out of place, it's the feeling of not fitting in. Of being the wrong kind, the wrong type. Strangely I haven't felt that in places I definetely should, like when I was at the bachelorparty held for my ex, and I was the only woman there.

I feel that I'm not fitting in at work lots of times. With my family, sometimes. Even on occasion around my friends. I am outside looking in, seeing, almost understanding but not quite. Almost wanting to belong but then, not quite being able.

Last time I had the feeling of not fitting in was yesterday. I was listening to Rage Against The Machine as I was walking into Toys 'R' Us.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Scary

so I saw a picture of my old friend from school. Could have said, based on that picture, that the woman in it is atleast 45. Oh man had she aged! That was scary. Made me think do I look that old too? Then it occurred to me that probably not, I haven't had two kids, I haven't doubled my bodyweight and I have a way better haircut. And wearing an apron didn't help her appearance much, either.

It is strange. How different people turn out to look when they grow up. I bet she still is the same nice girl I used to know, always quick to smile and fun to hang out with. It's just she turned out to look like one of those russian dolls, old plump ladys... And I turned out to look... well. A skinhead?

I also bumped into a childhood friend who I have't seen since 1992. She looked just like I had imagined her to look whenever I've thought of her these past years. And she had the rare ability to hug naturally. We saw eachother and immediately she wrapped her arms around me in delight. It was not akward or uncomfortable. Just easy and warm. It was good to see her. She is happy. That made me happy.

I also learned that my habit of reading a book holding it up close to my face, like I wouldn't be able to see properly is something I've done since I learned how to read. Don't know why I do it. I can see good enough to read from the normal distance. Maybe it just helps me to focus. Makes me look like a half-blind nerd but who cares?

Thursday, March 22, 2007

It's been a long time...

Three things.

One. I chatted with an old friend today, it's been a while since we last had contact. It felt like no time had passed, even though we went through the usual stuff you do, is he still studying, and all that usual what you ask when you haven't heard anything lately. It was nice. That's the best way to describe it. Nice. Easy. Like it should be. And we did get a decent rant on about gayrights which was fun, in a way... As it turned out we are kind of brothers in arms, working for the same causes in different countries. I am so planning on an exchange program so we could meet up and talk and scheme and someone else would pay for it.

So those of you who thought I've vanished into the "married life" or become deeply depressed, here's me saying WRONG. I'm still here, alive and kicking, tired but not depressed.

Two. I went to see a band yesterday, and wow. It just dawned on me that I've seen that boy sing for over ten years. Since 1995, I think. Maybe even before that. I still like his music. I like watching him play the guitar. I like watching him on the stage. And I did enjoy seeing how he has matured, gotten older, how he has become an adult, not just some boy with a cool band and some cool songs but actually a man, comfortable enough with himself and his past to make a song about being seventeen and stupid.

Three. How come mtv only plays music non-stop during the daytime when there shouldn't be anyone watching because of work/school/etc?

When you´ve seen it all

This is something I found in my drafts and I think it's about time to get it said.

Inspired by a friends blog I started to think why is it that when people say "I´ve seen it all "it usually means they´ve seen a lot of bad things..? And when we think someone has been through everything it means everything bad and sad and wrong like abuse, violence, tragedies in the family, loss of health etc.?

How come seeing it all doesn't mean good things also? Finding friends, getting a job you love, being happy with your partner or being happy to be alone, seeing a beautiful girl smile at you in a cafe in Paris... What ever good things might ever be. I'd rather go for that. That you haven't seen it all until you've seen happy things and beautiful things and things that make you laugh and things that make you smile and things that will comfort you when those bad things happen.

I know bad things happen to people. I know.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Death

Lately death has been following me around. It all started a few weeks back when I had this sudden feeling of terror when I was going to bed. My gf was already sleeping, and I had been watching something from tv, some random comedyshow or something, nothing that should have raised these thoughts. I went to bed and suddenly felt terrible fear of death. And I started to think that okay, I'm now 29 so that means I have about this much time left and nonsense like that. All this lasted for about half an hour and I just couldn't shake the fear away.

The next day I felt a bit weird but work and all that normal stuff made me forget those thoughts. But since then everywhere I look there's death. I'm watching something from tv, like Friends, and what is the episode about? The death of mr Heckles. I'm reading a book and on page two someone dies. I open the paper and it's death here death there death everywhere. I know it's just a coincidence, that in the books and tv etc there aren't any more dead people than used to be. Now it just catches my attention.

Maybe the past year gave me so much to lose that for the first time I've started to feel fear of it.

But, on a lighter note:


My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is:
Milady the Most Honourable Hale the Educated of Ofsted in the Bucket
Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title