Snowflakes

Just Jack says it something like "you've played all the games and you're no longer amused". I think I should find something new to play around with. And I don't mean people. Well, atleast not for the most part.

I should get some things out of my head, including some people, things long gone, things that should be meaningless by now. Sometimes I feel I cling to things just because I have nothing to replace them with. I don't have anything to move on to. I've started to miss the weirdest people, and what's strange about that is I miss people physically, but not sexually. I don't miss knowing them, talking to them, I miss holding hands, sleeping, just sleeping together. And I wonder was there someone I could sleep with, was there a moment when I lost that and after that just kept on looking? Trying to find the peace in someone so I could find peace in me? That's dumb. It has to be in me, I have to find it in me. I wish I could remember better.

I don't know what has gotten into me, why I'm feeling so sad so often. I'm really close turning into a compelete mush-fest, I want to go around and tell my friends I love them, no matter what. Almost like preparing them for something awful, like I'm about to get a rifle and climb into a tower and start shooting. (I'll start with the people who shouldn't use public transport and that includes all girls in their teens.) Because I also get irritated very easily. So maybe I should hold back with the declarations of love, or they might turn into I love you but shut the fuck up...

That goes for me too.

Feeling chatty today, apparently...

Inspired by my friend Stephanie's blog (I'll put the link here as soon as I can figure out how or get Stephanie to do it for me) and her results in one particular questionnaire here's results from my "which gender are you: male, female, androgyn or neutral"

SINÄ OLET ANDROGYYNI
(not surprising)


Sinussa on melko paljon sekä feminiinistä naista että maskuliinista miestä. Olet sukupuolisesti hyvin harmoninen. Mieheytesi ja naiseutesi ovat tasapainossa keskenään, eikä kumpikaan puolesi hallitse persoonaasi toisen kustannuksella.
(I have both feminine and masculine qualities.)

Olet sukupuolishoppailija!
(I'm a gendershopper!)

Tiedostat sukupuolijärjestelmän olemassaolon, sukupuoliroolit ja odotukset kriittisestikin. Et juurikaan välitä näihin odotuksiin vastaamisesta, vaan käyttäydyt melko sukupuolivapaasti. .
(I recognise the gender roles in society and the demands and expectations for men and women but I really don't care a fuck and act quite freely from them.)

Olet sukupuolen suhteen melko itsevarma. Sinusta on luontevaa toteuttaa itseäsi sekä miehisten että naisellisten puoliesi kautta. Tulet hyvin toimeen miesten, naisten ja sukupuolineutraalienkin kanssa, koska et itsekään ole niin kaukana näistä muista sukupuoliryhmistä.
(I get along with men and women and all in between because I fit in in them all.)

Cool. I can see myself in that.

Also, I am:
You are Lisa Simpson.

That I can't see but it would be great to know how to play the sax!

My results for "how weird are you":
For 80 % you are: You're Not Weird At All! Take this as a compliment... and run for your life, it takes a lot to get this outcome... imagine how many people around you right now DIDN'T get this answer.

You could also get this result:For 10 % you are: Pretty Messed Up! My god... I can't even look at you...knowing what you put as answers *shudders*

Or even this one:For 10 % you are: Weirder Than Weird! Wow, you are mildly creepy and totally insane! Good for you! But lay off the RedBull.

Weeeel... I got a tiny severed doll's head in a bucket of blood for a birthdaygift and was thrilled... So mildly creepy, yes.

And back to the theme I was on when I started this post, what should my name really be? (I took the boys test, feeling masculine today)

For 60 % you are: Your name is: Josh. You are cool and quite the lady's man. ooh-la-la. You are cute and everyone worships the ground to you. You are most loved, especially by the ladies.

You could also get this result:For 30 % you are: Your name is: Nobert. How can I put this nicely...YOU ARE A GEEK! You love computers. And talk weird and you think using big words is cool Get a life man!

Or even this one:For 10 % you are: Your name is: Alex. You are high energy and need medication badly! You like... mean LOVE monkeys! You are okay... when you've taking your pills. So you need to get a grip dude!

So good night , says Josh Norbert Alex.

What I did on 2002

12.1. we went to Messilä with Jt, Tiki, and her girlfriend at the time, Anne. Stayed at my parents, and the girls made a great impression on them. Especially Tiki carrying wine and greeting my dad (fresh out of rehab).

15.1. obviously I had atleast some amount of hair because I had an appointment at a barbershop
8.2. saw Maija Vilkkumaa at Nosturi with my brother and Jt (Maija on pooornoo!)

11.2. went to the movies with Tii to see godknowswhat

15.2. saw Kuutamolla

23.2 my grandfather had died a year earlier and we held a wake for him with my brother, drank whiskey and vodka and smoke cigars and forced everyone else to do so too.

26.2. went to see my first men's icehockey game with Tii, Hifk-Jokerit.

1.3. saw Pauli Hanhiniemen Perunateatteri at Tavastia. Probably sang my voice away when they played Vieraslista.

23.4. absolutely no memory why I had to go to Espoo courthouse.

26.4. I went to a cruise but no memory of that either but probably for very different reasons.

30.4. saw Zen Cafe at Tavastia

7.5. movies with Tii, but what movie?

1.6. saw 69 Eyes at Nosturi.

11.6 Straight No More at Nalle!

16.6. Paula Koivuniemi cruise! That was fun! Dykes supporting Paula with a big rainbowflag and trying to drink the ship out of Smirnoff Ice. Those were the days...

24.6.-30.6 Pride!

4.7. Sir Elwoodin Hiljaiset Värit at Kaivohuone... Hmmm... Some memories from this one I will just keep to myself and the parties involved...

11.7.-17.7. Prague with Mira. What should I tell about this trip and Mira's excellent sense of direction? Really, she is good at reading a map but sometimes she just forgot to think at the same time... Going straight ahead will not get you to the place you started even if the buildings look the same, a bit... (sorry hon, if you're reading this, just had to tell) But there's more to tell about lost chances, we really should have gone to a secluded dark park with ten drunken soldiers like they asked us to. Probably missed the party of a lifetime.

27.7. saw Amorphis. At the time they had the most fuckable leadsinger... hey, what can I say? I have a soft spot for musicians. And to be even more groce and graphic, sometimes even a wet spot for them..

9.8. saw really disturbing movie, Audition.

16.8. Päivi and Suvi got married. Päivi still owes me a dance we didn't get to dance then.

17.8. saw Nightwish. I wonder how I was able to go there after the previous nights festivities?

21.8. saw Monster's Ball. Halle Berry totally earned the Oscar, if not for anything else then for the spectacular drunk scene.

28.9. saw Don Huonot at Tavastia. I can't even count how many times I saw that band. Always made me forget everything while they played.

12.10 it doesn't say so but I know this was the day when I was there with Jt to say goodbye to Hanna-Leena, not knowing yet that the previous night a bomb exploding at Myyrmanni had killed an old friend of mine. A sad, sad day.

19.10. at Heinola to see Zen Cafe with Mira

30.10. saw Sir Elwoodin Hiljaiset Värit at Savoy theatre.

1.11. Red Dragon. The symbol of his evil...

2.11. Zen Cafe at Tavastia. Todella Kaunis koskettaa jokainen kerta.

8.11. I got my first tattoo at Blue Dragon at five pm. And afterwards went to see Velcra play. I think this was the time I got hit to the face and had a mild concussion, I sent a message to Jt that I have blood in my mouth who was waiting for me at Dtm, I never showed up and well, I can understand why she was a bit worried... She's thinking all sorts of horrid things what has happened to me and at the same time I'm safely sleeping my headache away at Mira's couch.

6.12. A dinner at Colorado and afterwards to see Sir Elwoodin Hiljaiset Värit at Tavastia.

14.12. Birthdayparty.


I was cleaning up some old stuff and found my calendar, it was fun going through it... Some very good memories and some really bad. And some things I think I should remember but don't.

I'll end with a quote: "morning comes every time..."

Oh come on...

I stumbled into this somewhere, sorry for forgetting where... It's old news but anyways...

PINKETT SMITH UPSETS HOMOSEXUALS

Actress JADE PINKETT SMITH upset homosexual students during a recent speech at America's prestigious Harvard University, with her heterosexual take on gender roles.
The COLLATERAL beauty, 33, was honoured as the Artist Of The Year by the HARVARD FOUNDATION FOR INTERCULTURAL AND RACE RELATIONS in Cambridge, Massachusetts last Saturday (26FEB05).
During Pinkett Smith's acceptance speech, she said, "Women, you can have it all - a loving man, devoted husband, loving children, a fabulous career. They say you gotta choose. Nah, nah, nah. We are a new generation of women. We got to set a new standard of rules around here. You can do whatever it is you want. All you have to do is want it."
However, the Ivy League university's gay community were unimpressed with Pinkett Smith's viewpoint.
JORDAN WOODS, a co-chair of the college's BISEXUAL, GAY, LESBIAN, TRANSGENDER AND SUPPORTERS ALLIANCE (BGLTSA), fumes, "Some of the content was extremely heteronormative (to imply male/female sexual relations are normal), and made BGLTSA members feel uncomfortable."
YANNIS PAULUS of the foundation's student advisory committee responds, "She wasn't trying to be offensive."

I'm queer myself, I wear my Fuck Your Gender t-shirt with pride, I do volunteerwork for the glbt-community around here but hell... I think it's just dumb to expect that everyone should at every occasion mention that "whether you are a woman or a man or you are in a relationship with a woman or a man or..." or talk without using gender spesified words or expressions. I'm assuming Pinkett Smith is, besides hot as hell, straight, and it's natural for her to talk about having a husband. That still doesn't mean she'd be against gay people. I don't know about her thoughts on the matter so correct me if I'm wrong.

And I'd like to add that yes, male/female relations are normal. So are male/male, female/female relations.

I also had a kick about the part "a loving man, a devoted husband". Jada's saying you can have both! Is Jada polyamorous then? Wasn't that insulting to monoamorous people?

I've said in numerous occasions that I have the skin of a mimosa but only on the outside, jeez, those guys at BGLTSA are supersensitive!

Dreaming

I've been having trouble sleeping for the past ten years, or over, actually. Sometimes I can't fall asleep, sometimes I'm not able to stay asleep, waking every hour, sometimes I wake up three hours before I really should. Sometimes it's one of these or a combination of all three. I also tend to fall asleep when I'm not really supposed to, like when I'm on a tram or a bus.

My point is..? Well, I'm in a constant state of sleep deprivation, I sleep either all the time or none of the time, I fall very quickly into rem phase of sleeping which is also a bit abnormal. This means I dream a lot. Sometimes I feel I have more life in dreams than I do in real life. Sometimes I confuse stuff. Mostly I think I've dreamed parts of my real life. Remember those "was I really there-moments"?

I want to wake up. I want to be here when I'm here.

yeah, I know, I'm a freak

"Think of all the things
we've shared and seen
don't think about things
which might have been..."

I always read who's dead and who got married and what kind of a punishment of a name parents have given to their kids from the paper. Sundays are the best, lot's of material. What have I learned from them are the following things: people put the weirdest bits of poetry to obituaries but many of my now favourite poems are from there so it's a good thing. People obviously have only about three things they want to say in their wedding announcements, including that everyone thinks theirs is the greatest love of all. Yeah, right. And what kind of names are given to kids, well, I'm not going to get into that... But sometimes I just have to wonder...

I had a birthdayparty yesterday (or we had with my three friends who are born around the same time, a good excuse to throw a party for forty people) and I'm still kinda out because of it. I had enough to drink, to put it mildly, danced, talked with friends and generally had a great time. And I REALLY HAVE the best friends in the whole world, I'm lucky to have met people who understand and accept my strange fantasies, like wanting to have a victorian dollhouse modelled into sm/horror/dungeon style... And that's what I now have, among other beautiful things.

It was good to see some people I see rarely, people who have been in my life for a long time and never vanished, never going away even though life may have taken us into different directions. It made me remember times long gone, times that might not have been the greatest for any of us but still we got through them. In many ways I really can't say "good old times" but that they were in the sense that I found people I wish to call friends for a long while, people who's kids I hope to be around to see grow up, people who I'll see marry the loves of their lives and who will take a drink with me, not for old times sake but because of that we are here now, still we are here together.

So not to get all wishywashy and mushy sentimental I also have to say I have the coolest black eye at the moment. I got a new piercing, a second one in my eyebrow (thanks Jt!) and I got "a bit" of a bruising there. Looks a bit like eyeshadow that went horribly wrong... But hey, no pain no gain and all that.

I'll end this by lifting my imaginery hat and saying thank you to my friends, you mean the world to me and that is a beautiful world indeed.

Oh man...

let's just all sing happy birthday happy birthday to me... I wasn't supposed to live this long, with my heart with my depression, with so many different reasons but here I am still alive and still wanting to be alive.

I guess I got it going like it's supposed to.

Marilyn Monroe school of medicine

where enough of any drug will cure any disease.

Got your attention there didn't I?

It's from a book "Invisible Monsters" by the guy who also brought us Fight Club. Marvellous chap, I'd say. Fucked up, seriously, but who isn't?

So I went to Tallinn, mostly I wandered around places I've never been before (found out that there's a street which doesn't exist except in one map, too bad that was the map I had), ate ate and ate some more and had a few beers at the local gay bars. Just one or two or maybe a bit more. It was interesting not to speak to anyone for three days, besides ordering something and saying thank you and please. The longest conversation I had was when I checked in to the hotel. Not speaking helps hearing your own thoughts.

Unfortunately they are not always pleasant.

"When you understand that what you're telling is just a story. It isn't happening anymore. When you realize the story you're telling is just words, when you can crumble it up and throw your past in the thrashcan, then we'll figure out who you're going to be."

We are what has happened to us, what we have done, what we have chosen, what fate/destiny/coincidence threw at us. But why do we make that so important? It's just a story. We can re-invent ourselves. We can choose to be someone else.

Hmm... I'll get back to you on this later. Have to think this a bit more. I see possibilities here.

I'm with the band

my friend Jt rocks!

Weird night tonight, I saw a colleague of mine at a lesbianparty which I didn't expect, I got to see Jt play the drums which was awesome and I heard that I'm a "father" which was big news to me. Too bad the rumuor didn't say who I got knocked up... ;) But if people gossip about me it's cool that it's something so outrageously not true.

Off to Tallinn in about six hours, my little time away from the world.

Just wondering

sooo... I was talking with a friend today about my trip to Tallinn in a few days and I told her I was going by myself. She said "oww". I really didn't think much of it before but then I started to wonder... I didn't ask anybody to come with me, I wanted to go by myself, I thought I could get some distance to some of the stuff going on here, I thought I could have a quiet few days. And then it occurred to me does it seem somehow sad that I'm going alone? One of those things you know that hell no, why in the world wouldn't you go by yourself, enjoy the time alone? And still, the small part of you that started to whisper "see, you have no one". (friends don't count at this point)

Lainatakseni toista ystävää, on ollut viime aikoina sinisiä fiiliksiä.

Fuck it, sometimes it's hard to deal with the not having "we" things, only "me" things. Sometimes I'm scared I'll stop missing altogether sharing things, sharing my life, that I truly only start missing just the physical stuff. That I can get. But that's not all I want to get.

Stupid people

Sometimes I wish I could just get a divorce from the human race. Especially from women and really, from dykes... Yesterday I witnessed so much small-minded stupidity that I hardly can believe. Unfortunately I have to because I saw it and partly was in the middle of it.

One woman decided that being hateful towards transgendered people was a good way to spend a night in the bar. To cut a long story short the bitch finally got thrown out by the bouncers, or carried out kicking and screaming. She was yelling that she's going to call the police and sue us but how surprisingly, the police never showed up... Maybe it was a lucky thing I was working there (and tried to calm down the situation but noooo) because if I would have been sitting there at the table with my friends who were being harassed I probably would have lost it and gotten myself thrown out of the bar too...

I'm still angry as hell.

People have such small worlds inside their heads, such amounts of fear and ignorance and plain stupidity.

Sad

I've been awfully busy this week and when I'm busy I get tired and when I get tired I get sad. It's weird kind of sad, it's not sadness about anything particular, not over anything special. It's just being sad.

Lately I've been feeling like I'm losing something, letting go, or being let go. Like in that Melissa song... But I can't figure out of what it is I'm letting go. What's moving away from me? More and more I feel like I'm drifting away. That I make all the necessary moves, dance to the song I'm expected to, but without any real meaning. That my heart is somewhere else.

But where is my heart then?

Fuck, I read my own words and feel like I'm being a huge dramaqueen. It's just not sleeping properly for a while. That's all.

More poetry (not mine)

(I am not sure at all
if love is salve
or just
a deeper kind of wound.
I do not think it matters.)

If it was lust or hunger
& not love,
if it was all that they accused us of
(that we accused ourselves) -
I do not think it matters.

Erica Jong


Sometimes I miss lusting someone more than I miss loving someone. I miss the feeling of making decisions with my cunt instead of my brains, or even my heart. Of doing something (or someone...) just because of desire. I miss pure wanting. I miss the connection of bodies more than the connection of souls.

Love lasts longer than lust and I don't believe that lesbian bed death happens every time, but let's face it, the intense desire fades and changes. That's the way it goes.

Too bad I'm so goddamn picky. I find very few people attractive.

What comes to ex-boy/girl/whatever/friends and such sometimes it's hard to remember why I found them physically attractive. Usually it's easy to remember the other reasons why those relationships are over. When the lust is over and the love, if there was any, sometimes I just look at those people and wonder "how on earth I wanted to fuck her?". Then there are the moments when I see some ex of mine and I remember why, I see something that reminds me. Maybe it's a way to walk, maybe it's a smile, maybe a look in their eyes, maybe lighting a cigarette in a certain way... Small, weird things. But those moments make me miss feeling desire. And miss the feeling of being desired.

It's easy to guess where these thoughts came from. Friday I saw briefly a woman I had a one-night stand with years ago and I tell you, her smile... Still, again, made my knees go weak.

People

who should not use public transport: people who smell. People who sit their legs wide open (guys, that's just wishful thinking). People who cough and sneeze. On you. People who can't sit still for 5 seconds. People who think the tram/bus will go faster if they lean forward. People who read poetry out loud. Especially if it's their own.

Rip off

I'm going to shamelessly borrow from someone else again. And I will even butcher it with rough translation... Sorry, Annamari Marttinen.

"It's easy to forget someone. Of course, she'll come to mind occasionally, just like a memory, just like any other memory. There can't be any memory that wouldn't sometimes come back, even if you don't want it to. With some memories you stop and wonder, wait, was I really there? Was it really me?"

I read that bit today and instantly knew what it meant. Sometimes something just hits you, you really get it. That is an idea I've been trying to grasp myself. That there are things that you know happened to you, you were there, you did this and that and still... It feels like some parts of your life never really happened to you, that it was just something you read, or saw in a movie, something that was told to you that happened. Parts of your life just drift away, become distant and leave you wondering, did I just imagine that..?

My "was I really there moment"? Tempted to say I can't remember any... (ohmygod I have bad sense of humour). A park in Prague, on my first trip there. Worn out hotel room in Tallinn. Cocktailbar in Budapest. Drinking margaritas in Luxembourg. And a hundred more...

Tired thoughts

a couple of bottles of wine last night means I am not thinking straight today. Well, I never think straight. Haha.

I am so funny it kills me.

I am at loss with words. I don't know what I feel. How screwed up is that? There's a small part of me that is really happy, still glowing from yesterday's party, enjoying the memory of music flowing through me, of having a good dancepartner. Then there's the part that's unhappy, lonely and tired. And then the biggest part that feels nothing at all.

I should start asking people what they feel. Maybe this is the way most of the people feel like. Nothing at all. Or is it just me? Or is it just not sleeping properly for a long time?

Close your eyes

Sometimes it's hard to find the strenght to smile, when everything is okay, not great but not bad. When things just are.

I know feelings like this shall pass, they always do. Feeling like all my emotions have been drawn out of me will go away. By tomorrow, I believe. After some sleep, after some dreams.

When I was really depressed I used to pretend awfully well. I would "put my face on", like clothing, whenever I left my home. I would take a deep breath, look into the mirror and remind myself what to do when smiling. I got tremendously good at it. I don't think that everyone I knew then ever saw that I was just a zombie. I pretended to be me, what was expected of me. That when I learned how easily people can be misinformed. If I'm smiling it don't necessarily mean a thing. I learned people really don't look at you. I've tried since then to look at people, really look at. See behind what's obviously there. That can be just a lie.

Why I didn't let everyone know I was hurting then? Pride? Stupidity? Fear?

I think a big part of it was fear. I feared people would leave me if I stopped being like they'd always known me to be. So I never gave them the chance to prove me wrong. That's unfair. Maybe they could have loved me through the bad times too and not just drift away with time passing.

I hope I've learned my lesson, if it ever comes to that again.

I'll close my eyes now.

Hmph

joskus jokin sana voi ärsyttää suunnattomasti. Tänään se oli "tassutella". Juuri lukemassani kirjassa sitä käytettiin neljässä eri kohdassa (joo, vähän pikkuseikkoihin takertumista) ja vain yksi niistä oli jotenkin sopiva. Mutta ainakaan mainostoimiston johtava copy, jota on kuvailtu teräväksi liikenaiseksi joka pukeutuu huipputyylikkäästi, ei jumaliste tassuttele ympäri toimistoa! Korkokengissä!

Pikkumaisuus kunniaan.

Ja jos tästä asiasta jaksaa nostaa itsessään kierroksia niin on parempi mennä nukkumaan. On ollut hyvin pitkä päivä.

I want to sleep

I was reading a book today (surprisingly, like I wouldn't read every day atleast a page or two) and there was a mention of dementia. It had nothing to do with the book, really, just a side comment. But it got me thinking that if I would lose my memories what would be the last one I'd hope to hold on to as long as possible? And what would be the first one I'd gladly give up?

What's the most painful memory I have? That's impossible to say. I have a few terrible ones, involving death and pain, losing friends I loved. There are memories of days when it felt like there's shards of glass in my head. Memories of days when I wanted to peel my skin off, of hating myself so and not even having the energy to get up and get it over with. There is a memory of giving back the keys to the apartment I shared with someone I loved for years, of walking away.

Damn. I'm getting all emotional.

Good memories then. First kisses with people I've cared for. Dancing with Tiki. Feeling secure with someone. Sunny gardens. Airports. Prague. Waking up and feeling content. The days when I knew and believed totally that I will be okay. Walking away.

More music

And in "I" we find...

Iggy Pop and the passenger. This one also brings back a whole sea of memories. My favourite bar when I started to really hang out in bars was a place called Torvi. (Painepesurikaan ei olisi puhdistanut niitä lattioita, korkeintaan bensa ja tulitikku perään...) It was a dreadful bar, a rock and roll bar, with a doorman who greeted me for the first time after about three years hanging there regularly. It was filled with wanna-be rockstars who never got their break (some did, though), darkhaired gothchicks and all the ones that didn't fit in. Once in a while a middle-aged man in a suit would wander in and look around bewildered before quickly backing out. Next door was a stripteasebar.

I had such a great time there. Countless evenings dancing to Iggy Pop and The Doors and Jimi and Janis and hardcore metal played so loud talking was definetely out of the question. I had a thing ("had"? I still do) for guitarplayers and that was the place to meet them, the bad boys, the stoners, the ones I could easily use. That's one thing people rarely get, they don't think women use men like men are thought to use women. I'm not saying that I never cared for any of those
men or I didn't get my heart broken a couple of times, I did. And I truly liked all of them. I didn't want them to call me later, I didn't want a relationship, I didn't want drama. So what did I end up with? Hell of a lot of memories of good times.

And funny incidents: one time I was chatting with my ex-boyfriend and his two mates and suddenly he says, "do you know we've all been with the same girl, including Hale?" The looks in their faces... Oh man... And the silence that followed... It was pretty well known that I'm queer as hell by that time but it wasn't clear to everyone, obviously... But the girl in question? Her I loved madly then. Still love her in a way. Probably always will.

Love's strange like that. Sometimes it doesn't go away even if you no longer have no idea where the one you loved is or any real desire to even know it. To me it's enough to know she's alive and out there somewhere, happy, hopefully.

Lopetetaan tämä lainauksella Jonna Tervomaalta: "mä tulin liian myöhään kai, tai aikaisin"

Interesting...

the reason for my dressing up today was that I was selling tickets at the local gaybar, every saturday there's a women's party. Theme was halloween so in addition to my dress etc I was also wearing a scarf in my head, a muslim scarf. One of those that only let's people see your eyes, covers you completely from shoulders up. I'm not masquerade kind of person so I thought this would be good enough.

Interesting part was the way people reacted. And that not all of my friends knew it was me. That is weird. Maybe it says something about how rarely people look into each others eyes, because all of the women who immediately knew me said thet it was my eyes they knew. Not my fantastic legs or breasts ;) or my posture but my eyes.

Women also tended to think that I can't hear them. More often than not they spoke of me to their friends or to Toni who was selling tickets with me. Couple of times I said to them that you know, I hear you just fine and they kind of looked surprised. Besides this, later when I was just hanging out with some friends, people would talk around me and ignore me, not even look at. Like I vanished just because my face could not be seen.

That was so strange. I really can't even begin to wonder what it's like really wear the veil and dress accordingly but maybe a tiny glimpse.

The moral of the story. Look into people's eyes. All you need is there.

Feeling like a transvestite

which I probably am. But that's besides the point.

It's difficult to describe how I see myself. Definetely as a woman if it has to be said. I'm me, I'm Hale, that's my gender. I flow. I'm not butch, I'm not femme, not even when I'm wearing 7 inch heels and such short skirt it's best described as a belt. I'm not a man. I don't want to be a man. But I really can't connect to women, as a gender, either.

So because I just slipped into a seethrough dress, stockings, high heels, long gloves and all, I feel like I just dressed up as a woman. That's what I call it, anyway. Sometimes I play girl. It's just that. I pretend to be something else. I like it, it's fun, it's cool and sometimes I play out my fantasies through it (obviously the fantasies are about a stonebutch having her way with me, or if I'm in a more queer enviroment, me having my way with her;)

And besides, wearing a dress makes my shaved head look even better.

Forever not yours

I bet you think this is going to be one of those whiny "oh I'm so lonely" posts. Hah, nope.

I'm going through my playlist on my computer and keep finding weird songs here. Like A-ha's forever not yours. A-ha used to be a band I simply adored when I was a pre-teen and in some way it stuck with me. They've made nothing but crap since Take on me (ahem) but still... I think everyone has those songs from years ago that just make you feel nostalgic. Or some bands that always remind you of the time you were fifteen, it doesn't even matter if they keep making new music, it's always the band you recorded to a tape from a radio. Now there's something for the kids of today with their mp3:s and stuff. Cassettes filled with mixed music and the awful dj's from your local radio.

And moving on...

Alice Cooper. That's one sick dude.

Cover versions... One of the most hideous ones is All Saints doing RHCP's Under the bridge. I mean girls, seriously..? But I love that version, almost more than the original one. It has a simple explanation: when I was in London years ago, in a dykebar called Ace of Clubs the most handsome butch I've ever laid my eyes on asked me to dance to that particular song. She was so amazing, such a gentleman, such beauty... Hot as hell, I tell you. After that, butches have always been the ones to get my attention. And that song reminds me of her, puts a smile on my face every time.

Anna Eriksson. Eihän siitä mihinkään pääse että onhan Anna aika viehko... Ja näissä iskelmissä on jotain mikä vetoaa siihen mun dramaattiseen puoleen (hei, meissä kaikissa on se), siihen joka uskoo että joskus jonkun kohtaa läpi savuisen huoneen. Kun katsoit minuun... Tässäkin kappaleessa on se, että on joku josta tämä muistuttaa. Tämäkin. Onko mulla musiikkia joka ei muistuttaisi jostakin, hyvässä ja pahassa? Tarvitseeko olla? Jos musiikki auttaa muistamaan niin mitäpä sitten.

I think it's time to light the candles and really start listening. And remembering.

Details

in case you are wondering ( it occurred to me to wonder myself) why am I writing in English..? I'm Finnish. This is not a language I speak daily ("yes, one moment please" doesn't count). I am much more at ease in Finnish, obviously.

Some kitchenpsychology is in order here, I guess. This is a way to detach myself, look myself from the outside, to make it easier for me to describe my feelings, almost pretend I'm talking about someone else.

Mutta enhän minä niin tee. Minä kirjoitan minusta, siitä mitä sillä hetkellä näen itsessäni. Ehkä onnekseni se vaihtelee toisinaan hyvinkin nopeasti. Ja vielä, edelleen, aina vain, minä voin katsoa itseäni peilistä enkä minä häpeä. Kaikki on siis hyvin.

So there you go. I am not just what you see.

A revelation

Soooo... I had another blog before, very personal, filled with names and details (well, almost) and I decided to delete that and start a new one, the kind my friends could actually read too, and my significant others, without wanting to kill me afterwards. It was a blog that was my personal outlet, where I could be a bitch and a complete idiot, think only myself and just be stubborn and stupid and jealous and needy and whiny. After deleting that, when it started to feel unnecessary, I thought that I could write about my life and thoughts, funny little stories, you know, be perky.

I just completely forgot that I am not perky. I'm depressed most of the time. Rest of the time I'm tired, angry or bored.

Consider yourself warned.

"Suicides & spinsters -
all our kind!
Even decorous Jane Austen,
never marrying,
& Sappho leaping,
& Sylvia in the oven,
& Anna Wickham, Tsvetaeva, Sara Teasdale,
& pale Virginia floating like Ophelia,
& Emily alone, alone, alone...
But you endure & marry,
go on writing,
lose a husband, gain a husband,
go on writing,
sing & tap dance,
& you go on writing,
have a child & still
you go on writing,
love a woman, love a man
& go on writing.
You endure your writing
& your life."

Erica Jong

A new beginning

(once again)

Take my hand. You've been missed.