Missing someone

I've been reading Antonella Gambotto's book The Eclipse: A Memoir Of Suicide. Strangely positive book, even if it's not written in a positive way. It is about hating yourself, and about sadness and depression, and of losing control, about pain, sorrow, of being tired. And still, somewhere under all that it is encouraging. And not in the go kill yourself today way...

But what it made me think is this: how to deal with the fact that someone is gone and you can never ever touch them again, no longer kiss them, hold their hand, trace your fingers over their lips. I was reading that book and suddenly I was overcome with terrible grief. I had a friend years ago who died in an accident. We were friends and then we were some kind of lovers for a while and later stayed as friends. Before he died I hadn't seen him for a while, the last time we met was briefly in a store, we chatted about idle things and talked about going for a beer sometime soon. Next, I open a newspaper on my luncbreak and there is his name. Now it has been a few years and I sometimes think of him, remember how we met and how fun it was to be around him.

But now I suddenly missed touching him. I missed the feeling of his skin, his hair, everything. I don't miss any of my ex-anythings like that because there is a theoritical chance to touch them again. They are alive, they are around and even though obviously they are not available in physical sense anymore to me they are not impossible. Most of them would atleast agree to hug me. But him, he is out of my reach forever. If I could have a choice between talking to him for one last time or kissing him, I'd go for the kiss.

Skin remembers. A gentle touch can tell about love more than hundred words.