Yes, I am sad

I've been sad for a long time.

It would be so much easier if I could feel just one thing at a time. Like tonight. Stephanie asked if a friend of ours is happy. She said, in a heartbeat, hell yeah she is. What I felt? I felt joy for her, for being happy, for having what she has been missing for a long time. I felt envy for not feeling like that. I felt aching to feel that.

What makes it funny I can't remember ever being happy. I just don't think I have it in me. That doesn't mean I'm unhappy all the time. Sometimes I just am, I am content, I have found my sunny garden to rest... That's it. I've been content. For me that's better than happiness, that's something that can last. I've had peace.

It's knowing who am I, knowing myself, seeing all the dark parts, accepting what is there. Being me, completely. Even if it means things that are not pretty to see.

So Amanda, you were right.

Ja Satu, hienot Kädet!