pikkusiskolle

En voi voittaa tuskaa.
En voi väistää elämää.
Yritän ajatella aikaa maisemana.
On kuljettava läpi
kun saapuu reunaan se loppuu.
Reunassa loistaa Valo.
Minun elämäni on matka kohti Taivaallista Valoa.

Elina Hirvonen
Että hän muistaisi saman

Friendship book Lazyboy-style

Do you consider yourself intelligent? (yes, except sometimes I am the Queen Supreme Of Dumb Ideas)
Are you ready to go all the way? (depends what’s at the end of the way)
Are you married? (no)
How do you rank yourself? (Queen Supreme)
Are you punctual? (most of the time)
When do you think you will have kids? (probably never)
Have you ever had a nervous breakdown? (not really)
Do you find yourself mentally stable? (mostly, just occasionally I’m a raving lunatic)
How do you deal with pressure? (best by avoiding it)

Do you find yourself qualified for life? (yes)

Don’t lie (just occasionally)
Don’t kill (haven’t done so, yet)
Don’t smoke (quit a long time ago)
Don’t run (would like to)
Don’t yell (rarely)
Don’t panic (very rarely)
Don’t steal (I don’t)
Don’t cry (sometimes I do)
Don’t die (do my best not to)
Don’t act (no, trust me on that)
Don’t drink (I do)
Don’t stumble (I do)
Don’t hate (I do)
Don’t bitch (I really do)
Don’t cheat (I don’t)

Remember to separate all your kitchen garbage (hmmm… yeah I know I should)
And turn the water off when you brush your teeth (sometimes I do)
Only buy organic food (hell might freeze over before that)

Get married (maybe someday)
Get loved (I am)
Get cleaver (aren’t I?)
Get big (hopefully not much bigger than this)
Get lucky (hell yeah I get)
Get rich (just bought a new lottery ticket)
Get good (I am)
Get free (ditto)
Get real (I try to remember that one)
Get food (as often as I can)
Get water (not enough)
Get sleep (really not enough)
Get sex (not going to kiss and tell)

(modified from the song Do you find yourself qualified by Lazyboy)

I hear voices

I finally caved in and joined a bit more to the nerd generation and got myself an iPod (nano 4 GB, for those who care about the details). Luckily I got it cheaply from my brother (the real nerd who just got a new better one). So now I can listen to music and stuff when I go to work and so on.

There’s only two minor things…

Besides music there’s Denis Learys stand-up comedy on my playlist. So I look like a complete tosser while waiting for the bus, quietly and occasionally not so quietly, laughing out loud by myself.

And if I get hit by a truck because I didn’t hear it coming and die you can blame Bullet With Butterfly Wings for that.

"…And what do I get, for my pain?
Betrayed desires, and a piece of the game…
Now I'm naked, nothing but an animal
But can you fake it, for just one more show?
And what do you want?
I want to change
And what have you got, when you feel the same?"

10 things I want to remember

1. The day he came home for the first time, his bewildered expression and looking like his skin was four times too big. Kurttu, we called him.

2. His innocent look when we found out that instead of just taking a nap under the sofa he was chewing it from the inside for his teething pains.

3. His floppy ears when he’s running down to the lakeside to go swim and to try to drink the lake away.

4. How amazingly brave he is, especially when he is securely being held in your arms, preferably inside, and barking to those beastly squirrels.

5. His love for sauna.

6. His love for food...

7. and for napping.

8. The way he goes to look for his puppy Lurppa whenever someone comes over, to show him off.

9. How he taught me to drive the car to the driveway very very quietly and to open the door without waking him up at four in the morning.

10. His joy when we open christmaspresents and he gets to open his own.


When it’s time it’s time. But not just yet, please?

Matala ärsytyskynnys...

Olen viime päivinä lukenut erästä Anne Holtin dekkaria. Kirjan henkilöihin kuuluu mm. ahdistunut lesbopoliisi, hänen turkkilainen upporikas kumppaninsa, taloudenhoitajaksi siirtynyt entinen huora, erakoitunut ukkeli, toisiaan ristiin rastiin oikeuteen haastanut surmansa saava perhe ja lukuisa määrä muita.

Ja mitä ilmeisimmin he ovat kaikki karhuja koska he jatkuvasti TASSUTTELEVAT joka paikkaan.

www.toivottulapsi.com

spread the word

Finally

I hold on to so much junk. I save up things I have no longer need, just random stuff, bits and pieces of things I don't want, miss, or really even remember why I saved them for.

Today I started to throw them away, both literally and mentally. So now parts of my life are in the trash. But I do feel a bit... cleaner, I guess. Why keep all that?

I think I lost myself for a while, I just kept on going, kind of doing, or performing, my life instead of living it. This time it was not a question of putting a mask on every time I left my home, pretending to be okay when I was not, because I wasn't that unhappy or anything, just that I couldn't be bothered. Bored, I'd say. But then summer came and I had my head filled up with Pride-stuff and I was so waiting for going away to England and hanging out with Mira and I started to feel that I was actually paying attention to my surroundings, being here for real. And then, well, I saw something...

I am having the weirdest time of my life at the moment. I am looking into my sunny garden, holding a book... There's the chair in the middle of the greenest grass ever, it is warm and the breeze is gentle. It is perfect. I am almost there.

Robin Hood's tree

I went to Nottingham to see the famous oaktree from the tales of Robin Hood. It was raining like it only can in England and we drove to the Sherwood forest (not with a horsecarriage but in Jo’s efficient little car) through the fields. We get to the forest and start walking through the, let’s admit it, slightly creepy woods. It looks like the kind of place that is beautiful on a summer morning when it’s bright and warm. It’s easy to imagine yourself lazily strolling around, maybe with a picnic basket and a blanket under your arm… But at twilight, in the rain, it looks creepy. Suddenly fairytales, the ones where Queen Titania comes and steals children to be slaves in her castle don’t seem to be just tales.

The forest seems to be alive, not just individual trees and birds and bushes but the forest. It has a spirit of it’s own. After walking a while we see The Tree. It’s huge. Magnificent old tree, something you can easily imagine been there forever. It looks like it has seen kings and queens come and go, it has seen war and peace, it has seen great deers in it’s shadow, maybe some thief was hanged from it’s strong branches… The tale of Robin Hood feels real when looking at the tree, what adventures it must have seen!

Then we look at the sign next to the tree:

“Is this the tree in the stories? No.”

Travelling...

Elämä on niin yksinkertaista
Senkun vain elää
Senkun vaan hengittää
Se en ole minä joka kannattelee elämää
Elämä kannattelee minua
Oikea jalka
Vasen jalka
Hengitä sisään
Hengitä ulos
Rakastan tätä katua

Lukas Moodysson

Haunted by the thought

of a beautiful woman with the most amazing eyes.

Butterflies all over.

A thought for today...

That which does not destroy us...

generally puts us in a truly vicious frame of mind.

8 things I've learned from booktitles

1. Please don't eat the daisies
(pretty flowers but not necessarily good for you, can be said about a lot of things, pretty doesn't equal good)

2. Facing up
(whatever happens)

3. You can't do business with Hitler
(well, for obvious reasons not... but to be atleast semiserious, there are some things/people/ideas people are better to stay away from, or atleast read the fine print Really carefully)

4. Tomorrow will be better
(always always things will get better, maybe not tomorrow but maybe the day after that)

5. It is dark only for our eyes
(sometimes it's good to change the point of view)

6. Go insane
(do I really need to explain this?)

7. Half-lives
(I see that around me, I'm not saying mine isn't sometimes but I try to avoid that as best as I can)

8. Smoke and mirrors
(sometimes there are things I better not see)

Scars

Some I have... Some of those anyone can see... Sorry to say that atleast in one case it's one of those that hurt the most. Not the making of it, like some would think, but what it reminds me of.

In a way it also makes me stronger. It reminds me of getting through things. That things work out fine, even if they don't work out the way you wished for. It might even be better that it didn't work out that way.

But, after all this bravado of surviving and being strong and all that there still is the fact of being completely at loss when seeing her smile.

This keeps playing in my head:

"And I think it's gonna be a long long time
Till touch down brings me round again to find
I'm not the man they think I am at home
Oh no no no I'm a rocket man
Rocket man burning out his fuse up here alone"

Do not give weapons to generals or other children...

Just had to post the highlights here from the link Satu kindly posted as a comment on my previous post. I've heard this before but it cracks me up every time...

"The US military investigated building a "gay bomb", which would make enemy soldiers "sexually irresistible" to each other, government papers say. Other weapons that never saw the light of day include one to make soldiers obvious by their bad breath.

The US defence department considered various non-lethal chemicals meant to disrupt enemy discipline and morale. The 1994 plans were for a six-year project costing $7.5m, but they were never pursued.

The US Air Force Wright Laboratory in Dayton, Ohio, sought Pentagon funding for research into what it called "harassing, annoying and 'bad guy'-identifying chemicals".

The plan for a so-called "love bomb" envisaged an aphrodisiac chemical that would provoke widespread homosexual behaviour among troops, causing what the military called a "distasteful but completely non-lethal" blow to morale. Scientists also reportedly considered a "sting me/attack me" chemical weapon to attract swarms of enraged wasps or angry rats towards enemy troops. A substance to make the skin unbearably sensitive to sunlight was also pondered.
Another idea was to develop a chemical causing "severe and lasting halitosis", so that enemy forces would be obvious even when they tried to blend in with civilians. In a variation on that idea, researchers pondered a "Who? Me?" bomb, which would simulate flatulence in enemy ranks. Indeed, a "Who? Me?" device had been under consideration since 1945, the government papers say. However, researchers concluded that the premise for such a device was fatally flawed because "people in many areas of the world do not find faecal odour offensive, since they smell it on a regular basis". "

five minutes of being a good human

Gotta love the net. In five minutes, about, I signed three online petitions (torture here, torture there, torture everywhere), forwarded them to a bunch of friends and e-mailed some straight friends (gotta love categorizing also) about some stuff they should look into, because stupid white middle-aged men are trying to walk over them too. But I will not start my rant about babies and dykes and familyvalues and single moms here now... I'm sure you all know what I would say.


"I laugh, I feel
I make believe it's real
I fall, I freeze
I pray down on my knees
I hope, I stand
I take it like a man
I try as hard as I can "

Kasey Chambers

"sometimes it grows back"

the nurse said and that's all I have to say about it.

But it's strange how some things stay the same, no matter how much you change. Like the name of the next of kin to notify if something bad happens. There are certain names and numbers that stick in your head, no matter are they close to you anymore or not.

I was walking home from a bar tonight, a warm summernight, it was not dark and it was not bright, something strange in between. Suddenly I remembered something I haven't thought for a while, one of the best moments in my life. I remember this one time, I was with my friend in a bar and afterwards we decided we didn't want to go to sleep just yet, so we got a pizza and a bottle of scotch from her place and walked down by the sea. We sat and ate and drank and talked and all around us it was summer, it was warm and light and everything was peaceful. Maybe it's just because we were drunk... Maybe it was being happy, right then and there. Being with someone important, enjoying yourself, enjoying the freedom to just be.

Not one original thought today

...who's gonna help you when you've had enough, one goodbye was really all it took, now you thumb through the pages of your little black book, somehow all the numbers look the same, ain't nothing you can rise above...

I think of moments when all is good. I think of sunshine and friends and music, I think of all that flowing through me, in me. Like today.

I think of liking stupid bad songs, I think of forgetting. I think of finding comfort in cheesy phrases in silly songs. I think of feeling the beat of the drums instead of my heart.

...don't forget to catch me.

Be still, my beating heart...

I have that butterfly feeling, I have pills for that. I don't know if they help but they make me feel a bit more secure. They make me feel there's something I can do.

It is the weirdest feeling, so unreal. It's terrifying. It makes me do two things at the same time, to feel very focused on my body and to drift away from it. (It's the lack of oxygene in my brains, ha ha.) I can feel everything very clearly, the pressure and the tingling and the strain. And I can kind of be outside of it all, it's just my body, not my spirit, not my mind... But it strains me, makes me weak, makes me fear. This I don't want to fear. Not again. Not anymore.

...kun hengität, hengitä syvään...

I hate

to live in a world where calling someone gay is an insult.

Little wings

It starts with a slight tingling in my fingertips. Then it starts to burn up my arms, reaching my elbows. It turns into a wave of nausea, all through my head and chest. After that it feels like a butterfly fluttering, rapidly first and then slowing down, easily, softly...

What's left is being scared.