Close your eyes

Sometimes it's hard to find the strenght to smile, when everything is okay, not great but not bad. When things just are.

I know feelings like this shall pass, they always do. Feeling like all my emotions have been drawn out of me will go away. By tomorrow, I believe. After some sleep, after some dreams.

When I was really depressed I used to pretend awfully well. I would "put my face on", like clothing, whenever I left my home. I would take a deep breath, look into the mirror and remind myself what to do when smiling. I got tremendously good at it. I don't think that everyone I knew then ever saw that I was just a zombie. I pretended to be me, what was expected of me. That when I learned how easily people can be misinformed. If I'm smiling it don't necessarily mean a thing. I learned people really don't look at you. I've tried since then to look at people, really look at. See behind what's obviously there. That can be just a lie.

Why I didn't let everyone know I was hurting then? Pride? Stupidity? Fear?

I think a big part of it was fear. I feared people would leave me if I stopped being like they'd always known me to be. So I never gave them the chance to prove me wrong. That's unfair. Maybe they could have loved me through the bad times too and not just drift away with time passing.

I hope I've learned my lesson, if it ever comes to that again.

I'll close my eyes now.